


I'm Certainly Not Full, but… Wait! Who the Hell are You?

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Series: 摺箔 — Surihaku [24]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Cheese, Commercials, Crack, Cultural References, Dirty Talk, Eating, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Food, Food Issues, Food Porn, Humor, Japanese Culture, Kissing, Light-Hearted, M/M, New Year's Eve, New Year's Fluff, New Year's Kiss, Oranges, Pandas, Parody, Pastries, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sick Character, Sneezing, Soup, Swords, The Author Regrets Everything, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, WTF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-09-28 14:56:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10122398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Poor Zura was just trying to eat, y'all.In which his meals were regularly interrupted by not entirely unknown reasons.





	1. Onigiri Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Title: from Kagamine Rin song "Shokuji" (lit. "meal" or "eating"). Listening to the song and (especially) watching the PV are **NOT RECOMMENDED** if you want to be able to sleep (or eat, you decide).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the beginning of episode 26.

After making sure for the nth time that there were no Shinsengumi members in the vicinity, Katsura Kotarou finally sat down on the bench and removed his wide, face-concealing sedge hat. An anticipatory smile on his face, he carefully unwrapped the onigiri — the special type sold only in limited quantities, as said on the colorful, eye-catching label on the package — he recently bought from Oedo Mart. Katsura was nearly starving, and he couldn't wait to find out what was inside those rice balls that gave them their "special" status.

He took a large bite out of the onigiri.

Then immediately spat it out.

"Disgusting! What the hell did they put into this? It's slimy and sticky and" he paused in order to spit out whatever was left of the detestable flavor in his mouth, " _too damn sweet_!"

Katsura looked down at the bitten rice ball in his hand, examining its exposed filling. It was unmistakably _red bean paste_ , that nasty, sticky, diabetes-inducing substance that made up the inside of that damned rice ball.

Then something occurred to him. He couldn't see the salesperson's face at the store thanks to the huge hat he was wearing at the time, but his voice… Katsura swore he had heard that dull, expressionless voice somewhere, but couldn't quite remember from whom.

Now he did.

Outraged, he sprinted towards the convenience store at a pace that would give _shinkansen_ trains a run for their money. It was reported later that day on the news that even from the highest floor of the Terminal, one could still hear the sound of someone screaming, "GIIIIIIIIIIINTOKIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"


	2. Toshikoshi-soba Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A type of _soba_ noodles traditionally eaten as the _joya no kane_ (New Year's bells) are tolled 108 times on the night of New Year's Eve at local temples.

_108回の Ah… **除夜の鐘** で **年越しそば** さ…_  
_Hyaku-hakkai no ah… **joya no kane** de **toshikoshi-soba** sa…_

Performed by: **Koyasu Takehito**  
from anime: **Rosario+Vampire Capu2**

"You know what, Zura?" Gintoki asked — shouted, thanks to the loud chiming of the New Year bells coming in through the open window — between chews, at which his friend frowned.

"No talking with your mouth full. Also, it's not Zura, it's Katsura." he replied automatically.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. You're not my mom." Gintoki looked visibly annoyed as he promptly swallowed his noodles. Katsura had been constantly criticizing his table manners ever since their ritual New Year's Eve meal began ("Close your mouth while chewing!", "No resting the chopsticks on the rim of the bowl!", "Pick up the noodles carefully, will you? You're splashing soup all over the table!", "Why is your bowl still half-full? Hurry up, you must finish it before midnight!"). It ticked him off as all hell, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Shinpachi always spent New Year at home, while Kagura was away with her father at a noodle shop, so Gintoki considered himself extremely lucky visited by Katsura and thus spared from having to spend _joya_  alone, "Where was I? Oh right, have you heard that swallowing a noodle whole makes you live longer?"

"It makes absolutely no sense." Katsura said, skeptical, "The noodles represent misfortune and biting them will free you from it. How does swallowing one whole lengthen your life then? Besides, do you notice how long the noodles are?"

"How do you know? Have you tried it?" Gintoki asked before sipping his bowl clean, "Look, you still have a noodle left. Maybe you can try it."

"The bells have tolled 98 times. We don't have time for this."

"Seriously, you _counted_ that shit? Well, that means there are 10 chimes left, right? You still have plenty of time. I don't think it's that hard, just close your eyes like taking medicine."

"Well…"

 _One,_ Katsura decided to give in and play along.

 _Two,_ he came up with a strategy. He would collect the noodle into his mouth first, and then swallow it afterwards.

 _Three,_ he put the plan into motion, taking the end of the noodle between his lips.

 _Four,_ he closed his eyes.

 _Five,_ he was sure he was almost halfway now.

 _Six,_ he heard his friend groaning, the sound suspiciously close to him. It sounded something like, "Slow down."

 _Seven,_ he hadn't had a chance to register what was going on before he felt Gintoki's soft lips against his.

 _Eight,_ his eyes snapped open. He wanted to say, "You bastard!" So that was what his friend was planning all along: taking the other end of the noodle when Katsura wasn't looking, effectively pulling a Noodle Kiss. "Give me my noodle back!" he wanted to yell, letting his tongue plunge into and pillage Gintoki's mouth, searching around in a hopeless attempt to reclaim the noodle.

 _Nine,_ Gintoki pulled back and promptly snapped the noodle in two with his teeth, putting an end to Katsura's attempts. He whined from both the abrupt end of the kiss and his ruined plan before realizing he _seriously_ didn't have much time left, and so he briskly chewed the noodle and tried with all his might to swallow it before the last toll.

 _Ten,_  oh thank gods he didn't choke.

"What the hell was that?" said Katsura. His friend simply laughed and pulled him into an embrace in response.

"Happy New Year." he said, and together they shared a genuine, slow kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, you can kill me now.


	3. Cheese Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never say no to Kotarou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parody of [the infamous Panda Cheese commercials](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlmsjstN6Aw).

Katsura couldn't wait to dig in the splendid breakfast laid before him: a bowl of _oyakodon —_ delicious stir-fried chicken over piping hot white rice, topped with a fresh egg yolk in the center like a golden sun amidst yellow clouds (but not before respectfully saying _itadakimasu_ as a sign of gratitude towards the chef as well as the numerous animal and plant lives sacrificed for the sake of this excellent meal; table manners are important!). But just as the tips of his chopsticks barely touched the food, the waitress who served him the dish said, placing a strange circular box on the table, "We highly recommend you to try your _oyakodon_ with Panda Cheese. It greatly enhances the flavor of the egg."

"There's no need." Katsura declined, "I like my Japanese food as-is, unblemished by the addition of foreign flavors."

He barely finished his response when, all of a sudden, a panda appeared out of thin air, towering over the both of them.

Cue True Love Ways and awkward staring contest.

The panda grabbed Katsura's bowl and aimed straight for the waitress's head.

Then SLASH!

The waitress opened her eyes; there was no steaming hot chicken and rice over her hair, face and clothes. Neither was the panda. All she saw was a panda suit neatly sliced in two lying on the floor and Katsura's breakfast now just a mess of scattered chicken, rice and pieces of broken lacquerware. Standing amidst all that was no one other than Hasegawa Taizou, now clad only in his boxers, facing an angry, intimidating and all around _badass_ Katsura with sword in his hand and deadly accuracy in his bones.

* * *

"WHAT THE FUCK?" was the Yorozuya's collective reaction to the commercial aired minutes before the Ladies 4 rerun featuring upbeat _shamisen_ music and a handsome man with sexy long hair looking annoyed holding a box of cheese while declaring _it's not Panda Cheese, it's Katsura!_

 


	4. Misoshiru Edition

Nobody liked being sick, including Katsura. Other than having to stay at home and not bejng able to carry on his Joui activities as well as risking being usurped, there was also the fact that it felt like _shit_. Headaches, fever, difficult breathing, nose always feeling like it was about to explode, every single muscle in the body feeling like mush, and let's not mention the constant coughs and sneezes. Lucky enough, Katsura had always had his companion who was always ready to take care of him in times like this. Now he slid open the _shōji_ door to Katsura's room, holding a tray on which was a bowl of steaming hot miso soup, a cup of green tea and medicine to be taken after the meal in one wing, a sign reading "Time for breakfast" in other.

"Thanks, Elizabeth." Katsura said, voice stuffy from stuck nostrils. He was about to help himself to the soup when…

Ah- **CHOO**!

" _Elizabeeeeeeeeeth_!" Katsura exclaimed, devastated, seeing the bowl now empty on the floor and every single content in it either stained Elizabeth's coat or ended up on the floor and the _futon_.


	5. Orange Edition

It all went from two friends' eating oranges together on this particularly scorching morning to _this_. Katsura whimpered again as he felt Gintoki's tongue lightly flicked across his lips, and he could taste a faint citrus tang. He recalled doing nothing other than commenting that Gintoki was eating less fresh fruit than he should and that he needed to stop intaking calcium and start intaking vitamin C, to which Gintoki responded that he would have eaten more fresh fruit if it was sweeter. "Like strawberry milk and chocolate parfait… or your lips." he added, and soon it became this.

Katsura enjoyed every moment, the way their lips brushed against each other, gentle and hesitant, the way their tongues would sometimes meet and Katsura could taste that refreshing flavor from the oranges they just ate. So lovely, so beautiful was the moment that Katsura couldn't stop making blissful muffled sounds into the kiss. Gintoki's arms wrap around his body, his hands caressing him over his clothes, and he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep in the warmth, even though it was hot. He didn't want to let go.

_Ohh…_

"I'm sorry." Katsura said, promptly pulling away realizing Shinpachi and Kagura would return from their walking Sadaharu soon, "I should leave now. Take care."

"Hey, what about these oranges?"

"They're all yours. Now that you've had something sweet, promise me you'll eat all of them within today." Katsura said before sliding the door close behind him.

"Yeah, whatever you say." Gintoki replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Da fuck did I just write?


	6. Daifuku Edition

"Can we wait until I've finished eating?" Katsura asked before he was interrupted by a sharp moan that fell from his lips as Takasugi gently sucked at before suddenly biting down at the smooth skin at the crook of his neck. He tossed his head back, at which his friend chuckled in satisfaction seeing how easy it was to make Katsura utterly vulnerable.

The traditional red-bean-filled _mochi daifuku_ still sat in Katsura's palm, already halfway bitten. Takasugi simply took it from his hand and finished it for him. "Problem solved." he said, ignoring Katsura's whine. Even Takasugi was surprised as to how _good_ the pastry was, the outer dough neither too soft nor too chewy, delicate to a perfection, while the filling was _just right_ , not too sweet like the kind Gintoki preferred. He came to understand why Katsura insisted on finishing the pastry before making love.

Takasugi didn't want to part with the lovely flavor too soon, but there his friend was before him, naked and disheveled, sitting _wariza_ with his thighs parted in the most enticing way… Takasugi moved forward, his hands reaching around to grab Katsura's buttocks, causing him to shiver. "As soft as the dough," he said, kneading the smooth flesh in his palms, drawing yet another moan from his friend, "as flushed as the filling," he went on, seeing Katsura's blushing face, "and taste just as delicious." the latter noticed Takasugi's gaze drifting oh so slightly downwards…

Katsura was immediately set on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is it that every time I write TakaZura, everything becomes too Japanese?…
> 
>  _Wariza:_ a sitting posture in which one's legs are spread out in a W shape.


End file.
